


Separation

by Missy



Category: Army Of Darkness (Comics), Ash Gets Hitched, Ash and the Army of Darkness, Evil Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Astronauts, Blood and Gore, Canon - Comics, F/M, Horror, Humor, Outer Space, Pregnant Character, Romance, Separations, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 04:13:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6596251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash and Sheila must deal with a temporary separation, during which he must battle time and space itself to return to her and she must battle against a forced marriage to Henry the Red created by her cousin, the (real) king - who is plotting something most foul and deadly and hiding a secret most horrible close to his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Separation

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place at the conclusion of Ash Gets Hitched, taking a left fork from the "Ash in Space" issues, though this also contains themes and characters from that series.

Art by **  
[StormBrite](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6584347)  
**

 

My name is Ash, and I’ve been through this before. Sure, I wasn’t sloppy drunk and trying not to toss my cookies into the void last time, but give me a break, all right? So what if I’m not the master of keeping my cool under pressure? Would you stop screaming if you were being pitched into some kinda tunnel into some other world? Yeah, didn’t think so. 

When I landed it was on my ass and in another world entirely. 

Y’know what the strange part is? I was getting used to this crap. Too used to it. I rubbed the dust out of my eyes and sat up, taking a look around the place. It looked weirdly normal – buncha trees, buncha rocks, buncha people in black robes running around like their asses were on fire.

Whelp. Guess that answers my next question.

I grabbed one by the shoulder and went, “hey! What the hell’s going on here?”

I couldn’t see the guy’s face, but I could hear him scream. “Get out! Save yourself before the terror takes ya!”

“Buddy, you don’t know terror,” I said. “Terror’s…” he pried himself out of my grip and ran away screaming, kicking up dust as he went. “HEY! NOBODY WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I’M MONOLOGUING!” But then the clearing got eerily silent, except for a really stubborn breeze – the kind that blows up a guy’s pantleg and gives him the shivers.

You’d think I wouldn’t be surprised when one of those suckers jumps out at me, but I coulda sworn I’d been by that tree before. He wasn’t hard to take out – couple of slices from the old saw and I ended up with a sockfull of blood and half an ex-monk. 

Lucky me, he kept talking just like the rest of ‘em. 

So the head started spitting while I scattered its parts around (hey, before you start complaining remember that this was some weird forest and I didn’t have a shovel – do you expect me to burry it with my bare hands? Uh uh – fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you). “You will never defeat him! He who was one of you and will be the Alpha again!”

Didn’t take much more blabbing for me to realize just who he was going on about. “Huh. So Evil Twin decided to rise up from the grave Frankenstein style, eh?” I raised an eyebrow. “Y’still didn’t tell me where ‘this’ is.”

“I am but a simple acolyte of the dark lord!” he replied. 

I unholstered and aimed the boomstick. “Then just tell me where we are before I turn you into road paste!” It’d probably attract more of those ugly sunavbitches in, but it would’ve been satisfying to turn it into mist.

He shook under my gun. “It’s the year our lord nineteen and ninety nine, and we are in Cape Canaveral, Florida.”

So I’m home again. Only…really far in the fucking future. Great job, Asherino. 

Just great.

I kicked the head a couple of extra times as I hid it under the bush and broke through the dirty, clinging branches into the bright morning sunlight. He wasn’t shitting me; this was Cape Canaveral, and there was a huge honking space shuttle about to take off a few feet away, spitting steam like an engine on fire.

I shaded my eyes and tried to spot ol’ twinsy. After a little searching I saw him all right – making a break for the shuttle’s hull, ready to climb it with his bare hands. If I had to guess, and I ain’t always comfortable doing that but hey – let me play betting man – he had the book on him, and was ready to import some good old fashioned nastiness into the shuttle somehow. Probably the structure. Definitely the mainframe. 

Shut up! I know what I’m talking about.

So I hauled ass after him, hand on the gun, ready to fire. Didn’t expect the damn thing to start to take off the second I grabbed the shuttle door. So I shrugged and grabbed the thing, hauled it open and slammed it shut behind me.

Six pairs of eyes stared at me, boggling, confused. 

Hey, do they think I want this shit to happen to me? 

Didn’t have a chance to explain myself before the shuttle took off, anyway. Then I was too busy trying not to puke down my own jockey shorts to worry about niceities. Someone shoved an oxygen mask into my hand and I sucked wind until we hit orbit – then it stabilized, and the cabin depressurized. By the time I was ready to speak up for myself they were Already trying to capture me and shove my hands behind my back.

One of the astronauts started speaking, pulling her helmet off to glare at me. “I know this sounds really weird but are the rest of you seeing a big dark-haired dude with a chainsaw and a metal hand?”

“It’s a gauntlet.” The fact that she was a cute blonde was temporarily lost on me; I just wanted to get my balls out of this vice. 

Another one stood up, removed her helmet, squinted at me and rested a hand at her hip. “What are you doing on this vessel? This is an important mission and a matter of great national importance.”

Sweat dripped down the back of my neck and my fake smile got wider. “Uh….” I scratched the back of my head, laughed. “Y’wouldn’t believe me if I told you?” I tried.

In one single motion three of ‘em stood up. I recognized another gal’s voice and wondered how the hell I’d ended up on Charlies Angels in Space. “Tie him up,” she ordered.

Great. I was back to this shit again. “Look, I know this sounds weird but you’ve got the wrong g-“

Cut me off with one knock to the head. Weird way to remind me of what I’m missing out on, guys. But she showed up in my brain, right there, like a beacon in pink, trying to drag me back to the world we’d just finished making for ourselves. My lights were fading but I was focused on her.

Sheila, wherever you are babe – wait for me. This is gonna take a lot longer than I thought…

 

****

 

I didst expect him to break my heart. Just not with such speed. Staring at the place he’d vacated, I felt my throat constrict, and reminded myself to breathe, if only for the babe’s sake.

“Wiseman,” someone spake – Arthur, I recognized the command in his tone without obeying it. “Can we not find Sir Ash in the timestream?”

“Not immediately,” he said, emerging from the murmuring crowd at our wedding feast. “The same words will not bring him back to this precise place. He might be anywhere in the universe at this moment. There should be a spell to scry his locale; I shall have to search for it. Art thou in possession of some item of his?”

I automatically reached for the gun he’d left behind – gun, I could call it now, not ‘boomstick’ - and I seized it up in my hand and presented it to The Wiseman with ceremony and dignity. “This. I believe the chainsword was strapp’d to his being.”

The wiseman nodded. “If the ritual requires more I shalt seek thee, Lady. Thou art calm?”

I nodded. “I must stay so for the babe’s sake. Thank thee.” I sat down heavily upon the bench. A girl fetched me mead and I drank it down in a honeyd gulp. The guests began to disperse from the hall and I knew then that life must continue apace, that someone must see to their comfort. I would, when my knees were no longer puddles of quaking jelly. 

“He shall be whole,” Arthur announced to me, pacing behind me. “Or I shall find a way to make him less than so.”

“Twas not his fault,” I muttered, rubbed my temple.

“He spoke the words like a drunken sot!” Arthur shouted. “Only moments after I bade him to take care of thee!”

“I’m no sack of flour to be thrown over a man’s saddle,” said I. “While he was gone afore I didst manage, and now that he is gone again I shall manage once more.” I did not want Arthur’s pity.

He regarded me, resigned, and did move toward the table once more. “I only wish’d he would behave with tact and dignity for thy honor.”

“So I thought him likely to do,” I said dully. “But I do not believe that he mean’d to leave us.” I glanced at my left hand, the slim golden band ringing it. It was not a moon we’d been married; our wedding bed lay upstairs, unmade. I sealed my lips against my dark mood; the child must be secured, and the kingdom with it. “I shall do as ye bid. My steel is in thy debt as always, my liege.”

“You do not need to call me thy liege. God’s blood, Sheila, we still are cousins!” He eyeballed my still-flat stomach and I automatically tried to shift behind the table to protect the mite within it from his gaze. “Thy…condition shall make it difficult to ride in the coming months.” 

“Aye,” I said. “But there are many ways I might lend my help to thee.”

Arthur sighed. “Well met,” he agreed easily enough. “But if thee are pained sorely then I shall not stand by in idle agreement with your choices.”

I nodded. He then did come to squeeze my shoulder gently. “I’m sorry, Sheila,” he said. How many times had those words passed his lips? I managed a weak smile for him. 

“Soon enough it shall all right itself,” I said. “He knows that I should not allow him to linger long in another world afore I chase him to the ends of the earth.”

Arthur quaffed more wine, then left the goblet with a servant. “If anything may save him,” said Arthur, “then surely your love can.”

“How sentimental,” I teased. The speech sounded not at all like Arthur. Again, I knew that he sought to dandle me, to soothe my worried mind. 

Arthur straightens up and coughs phlegmatically. “We shalt be sending reavers overland to assure that the bounds of the kingdom remain secure. I would be proud of ye would ride with me, Sheila.”

“Of course,” “I said immediately. “I would be glad to.”

“Very well. Good eve, milady.” 

She bowed. “Good eve, milord.” 

But I accepted that notion, directed my prayers to the universe at large. _Find me,_ I thought. _Find me and return to us, or I shall be forced to seek thee, and then ye shall be sorry._

With renewed strength, I returned to our chamber. It was empty, sprinkled with rose petals, but warm. A handmaiden stripped me and I fell into a leaden sleep, ready to face whatever havoc Ash had wrought upon the kingdom with his careless tongue.

*** 

The first thing that comes to mind when I came to and felt how tight they’ve trussed me up is Sheila. To be more honest: of how Sheila’s gonna kick my ass when she finds out about this.

She knew better. Hell, I knew better than to ever let anybody get the drop on me. Yet here I was, flat on my ass in the back of some space shuttle, rocketing off to who the hell knew where. Great start to married life, buddy. 

I tried to wiggle my way into a sitting position; once I did that I could sit on my ass and take stock of things. Right away I noticed that one of the astronauts had been put in charge of watching out for me; she lifted her wrist to her mouth and started talking, and in an instant I knew where I was.

“Bridge, he’s waking up. Should I interrogate him?” I recognized a soft Japanese accent. With one eye open I watched as she listed to whoever was on the other end of the party line. “Understood,” she said, hanging up. She pointed the business end of her gun right in my face. “Talk,” she demanded. 

“woah, lady,” I said, trying to move until the damn muzzle wasn’t jabbing me in the jaw. “First things’ first: I don’t mean you harm.”

She stared at me like I was completely nutso. “Are you a spy?” she wonders. 

“Do I look like the kinda guy who does anything subtle?” I wondered. “I’m just a regular every-day joe who got lost on his way to his wedding night. I don’t wanna hurt you and I don’t wanna wreck your mission. What I do need is your help finding the guy who set me to this place.”  
She said, “what makes you think I know such a man?”

“Y’never can tell,” I grumbled. “He’s about my height and kinda sounds like me, only he’s got the kinda mug only a mother could love.” 

“I have seen no such man,” she said. “And if I did, he would not live long enough to see the moon rise.”

My eyebrow rose. “Tough words from a little lady.” I flashed back to what Sheila would do if I said that to her. Break my jaw, probably. No, definitely. 

I don’t even have to wonder about it. 

“Look, if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna try to get around this place and see if Evil Twin got into the walls. He’s damnably hard to get out once he gets in, y’see? Like a rat. Gotta poison his ass until he …” I looked at her face. Yeah, she wasn’t impressed. And her finger tapped the trigger again. “I’m not helping my case, am I?”

“Perhaps you should stay quiet while I speak to Hoshi,” she said. “She shall know what to do.”

“Wait!” I called after her. “Which one is Ho-“ but she was gone.

And I was alone again.

Great.

 

** 

 

Twas odd to sleep without him. I mayhaps should have grown used to loneliness in our time apart, yet still the sight of the empty space where he might have lain made my heart ache. I touch it as if I might touch his face, and recoil to sense the coldness.

My illness came upon me in late morn, while Arthur and I wert securing the perimeter of the castle. It is unpredictable in these early months, as the medicine woman warned it might be. To my shame – as I hunkered down beside the castle, my belly a line of iron, my throat constricted, I did indeed blurt out ‘blast my femaleness’ as Arthur helped me wipe my mouth. 

“Are you sure you would rather not be within with the other women?”

I nearly knocked him dead with my look. “I would rather be insensible,” I said. I did not want to hear of their happiness with their husbands, hear stories of their children, prattle on about mending and sewing. There was work to be done, and it could not stop for the foolish whims of my body.

All seemed well – suspiciously so. By noon I craved roast elk and jellied crabapple; the child alternate makes me nauseous and forces me to crave the oddest of vestments, it seems. We ate heartily in the woods with a pack of supplies strapped to our horses, and my eyes stayed evermore alert. My permanent reminder is attached to my wrist, the hand Ash crafted for me as a wedding present. Death is all around us, and it stalks us at every turn, yet – again I glanced again at my severed hand - no, they would not take me unaware once more. The lands may be cursed, but I do not believe them sour.

I oversaw the baking and brewing and the washing then, on Arthur’s insistence; I am the eldest and most royal female presence in the castle, and so he said I should watch over the workings of the bailey. Only I could make the chef work, only I understood the way the bread must be baked. Soon I felt tired enough to leave the kitchen, to head toward the main castle once more.

On the way I watched the children play about the wellspout. How easy it had been to be their age, to romp as if the world may never end! I am grown callow in my abbreviated youth. I think I ought to lie down after all, to brood in quiet privacy and suck my thumb over my wounded spirit. 

But on the way to my bed a page interrupted me.

“Lady Sheila?”

I felt the tension in me rise as I spun toward him. “What is it, boy?”

“The king’s men approach,” he said. “He wishes to keep court with the lady who saved the kingdom and apologizes for arriving late to thy wedding celebration.” 

Blast. The last I wanted was to spend time with Tille and John. But I pressed a smile from my aching body. “Let them come, then. There is much left from the entertainments that were not used.”

And if they noted my misery, well – mayhaps it might provide Arthur and the castle with more succor.

*** 

They said they’d give me a chat with the captain. As long as his name ain’t Kirk then I won’t be too much of a hassle – if just to get a couple of words in edgewise with the dude. I don’t have much hope that it’s gonna go well, though, especially with this chick keeping her gun pointed straight at my spine. She keeps me moving and even I ain’t dumb enough to ask any questions.

At the end of this long tunnel there was a door, which automatically opened when she shoved me through it. There, I came face-to-face with her commanding officer. 

Another woman. I’m starting to wonder if the amazons took over while I was sleeping.

“Agnetha?” She eyed me dispassionately. “This is the troublemaker?”

“Hey, didn’t ask for no trouble,” I said. “In fact, I’m trying to stop it.”

“You look like a crazy man,” she said. “No offense, but tell me why I shouldn’t jettison you out through the hatch and let you decompress among the debris?”

“Cause you ain’t gonna find a better fighter in the world than me.” I put on the old stance – hands on hips, chest out, eyes straight ahead. Wanted to let ‘em know I meant business and that they could trust me.

“I’d love to believe you,” she said. “If only we had proof that there’s a threat onship.”

“Then let me go asshole hunting,” I said. “Guaranteed I’ll get the red out. If you let me.”

She seemed to think it over. “Are you willing to be escorted?”

“Hey, I’m a married guy!”

She glares. “By First admiral Lin,” she says, pointing to an armored person hanging out behind her. All of them seemed so alike but for some reason it wasn’t a big shock to see that her second in command was the Asian girl who’d had me shoved in the hole when I first got on board. 

“Take him around the ship. If you find anything strange – or he does anything strange – you have permission to execute.”

“Heh…That’s just a…metaphor, right?” I said, looking from one unimpressed face to another.

“And if you have to,” she said, sounding bored as hell, “do it slowly and take as many pictures as you can.”

Women. Can’t please ‘em, can’t keep your nose clean around ‘em. But I know how to get around ‘em. Usually.

“Hey,” I said to the chick guarding me as she guided me out the door and started walking me back the way they came. “You can be honest with me – that chick’s a stone cold bitch, right?”

“She’s my comrade in arms and the best captain I’ve ever served under,” Lin said.

I buttoned my lips and waited for a better opportunity. Now was not the right time to blow the whole situation sky high by saying something dumb.

 

*** 

 

Tillie is not with John – this much I have gathered by the sight of the slim woman riding astride into the courtyard. No, he has brought his mistress – and this one is a bonny girl of less than two and twenty years, with red hair and ruddy cheeks. I remembered her name vaguely – we’d known each other in the nursery back in my callow days when my parents thought I might be a French countess – Ellen, it was. She was the first woman to greet me as the riding party disembarked and the rest of our fair townspeople bowed and scraped at John’s heel.

The great advantage to be of royal blood and to not drag myself at the heel to bow and scrape; mostly because I simply cannot bend in that direction anymore, lest I lose my belly upon the cobblestone. John took my hand and pressed his lips to it. 

“You have grown fairer than ever, Sheila,” he said. 

I gave him a pleasant smile. “I? No, I have but grown up and outward,” I said, placing a hand upon my belly. “I presume you’ve heard of the ceremony.”

“OF course,” he said. “I wished to be here to celebrate with you but the roads slowed my speed.”

I nodded my head and parted back from his path. “Do you need mead? We’ve been brewing and baking for days.”

“If you’d be so kind as to oblige me,” he said. “I do have a need to see your husband.”

My blood froze but I smiled. “Ashley is…” I rested my palm over my belly. “…on a quest. He’s not to be back or a fortnight or more.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “So soon out of the marriage bed? It must be a greatly important quest.”

“Oh, la,” I agreed. “Very important and very secretive.” This to better protect Arthur, if he decided to lie independently of my claims. 

He nodded thoughtfully. “Is it part of your troubles?”

“Always,” I said. “But he has done wonders to calm them to a greater quiet.” Together, we proceeded into the safety of the castle. “I have found myself at his side more often than not.”

“I’m sure that will change, now that you’re married.”

“Sheila is one of my finest warriors we have. I wouldn’t dream of leading men into the field without her.” I hadn’t seen my cousin, hadn’t noticed his arrival at all. 

“Come, Arthur,” John laughed. “You cannot use her if she’s breeding.”

“John!”

“You aren’t breeding already, are you?” 

Jocelyn, by some strange mercy, decided then to come between us. “If she is it isn’t proper to say so,” she laughed. “Especially not to you two ruffians.”

“What know you of propriety?” John leered, and I flushed and turned my eyes away from the scene they made. He evidently grasped her and caused her to peel out a rough-throated laugh; soon they were rushing into the hall ad our servants were serving them extravagantly and with all due speed. “You are my wench,” he added, as they tore into our fowl, “not my lady wife.”

“I very well could be your wife! If I am a paitent, and a kind, and a sweet.”

“WENCH” he repeated quite dramatically, making Arthur cough quietly.

I did not wish to hear her speak of Tille in such a way. My fingers tightened on the heft of my knife, and I saw Arthur’s eyes, bright, latch onto my face. I would not act out; I don’t know why he tried to stop me from overreacting when he knew I could be cool in the face of conflict.

“There will be dancing tonight,” Arthur said brightly. “In celebration of the night and the joy of the evening.”

I hoped that it would go smoothly, with every bone in my aching feet and every muscle in my aching back.

****

Times don’t change. They get weirder, sure, but change? Hah. If they did I’d be a millionaire with six houses and mansion and I wouldn’t be crawling around in the baggage carrier of some weird ship in the middle of a space flight. I’d be the damn captain. Y’know – the king.

I kicked over a suitcase and heard Hoshi’s finger tap the trigger. “Easy. I didn’t mean to do that.”

“That was what the last fellow said,” she said. “He went to his grave insisting he didn’t mean to steal information for the Russians as well.”

“Is it actually a grave,” I asked, “when you ain’t putting them in the ground?”

“Just keep looking until you get your evidence,” she said. “If it actually exists.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.” There would be plenty of time to argue after we got rid of evil twin. 

Deck by deck, we took the place apart, but aside from some really great looking blasters and a couple of sacks of space food, there wasn’t any sign of the bastard. 

“Look,” I said. “Gimmie time. That’s all I ask for. Just a little more time and I can probably get the son of a bitch to show up.”

“Must you patronize me?” she asked.

“Wasn’t aware that I was,” I grumbled. “You got a mess hall in this floating rust bucket?”

“Everyone eats in the same place, the same chow, at the same time,” she said. “No favorites on this ship. That’s how we like it.”

Whatever. “Let’s load up,” I said. 

“Can’t. Didn’t you hear what I said? Same time - we’re a couple of hours from docking up to the international space station. Your belly will have to wait until then.”

I flopped my ass down onto the nearest box. “If it means anything to you, lady,” I said, “I wish I werern’t here either.”

She shrugged. “You don’t seem too broken up about it. In fact, it’s amazing you’ve survived the take-off without having to strap yourself all the way in. There’s something…different about you. Odd. I can’t place it.”

“Most people don’t get me,” I said. “It’s just how I’m built.”

“The last person who told me that turned out to be a war android,” she said. “I’ve got an eye on you, buddy.”

I saluted. “Understood, man.” 

“Ma’am.”

I rolled my eyes. “Might as well go above deck. It’s not like we’re gonna find anything…” 

And then I heard it. 

One of those too-familiar feelings; that creepy, gross feeling, like something’s crawling up my spine, bit by bit. The feeling that I was being watched by some part of me that I couldn’t control and didn’t understand.

Y’know. Like I was being perved on.

“Get down,” I told Hoshi.

“Why?!” Her finger tapped the button on her stun gun.

“Damn it, just get down!” My hand was already on the trigger, and if she didn’t move I was going to…

But she was already on her belly, gun sight trained and following me. That was as helpful as I was gonna get out of her - I turned around in a circle, trying to follow the sound, the smell. 

It came closer, bleeding and oozing, a weird dark shadow sneaking closer and closer to my vulnerable feet. It took me a minute to realize what it was.

A roomba. 

A fucking roomba with glowing white lights on top of it.

It tapped my foot and started beeping, the beeping made a word quickly enough. “We’ll have you, Ash! We’ll swallow your soul! Soon the blood of the innocent will rain down and DON’T PICK ME UP I AM THE EPITOME OF EVIL!”

“Blow it out your ass, Artoo,” I said. “Tell me: who sent ya?”

“Who do you think, Ashley? The king of the things that shall be and will be again.”

“Less jawing, more leading.” I tossed the thing against a wall and heard it scream as it crashed into the wall and landed in a heap on the ground. “Be good to me and I’ll make sure evil twin doesn’t turn you into spare parts.”

“All right!” it complained. “I’ll get you there. But you don’t protect me I’ll be sure to rat you out to the big cheese!”

“See?” I said to Hoshi as she got up off the floor. “Told you I knew what I was doing.” 

She didn’t say a damn thing as she followed me, but I know she thought I was awesome. 

 

*** 

 

There is little to be said over the evening meal, but what could be spake under the gamboling of the jesters and the laughter of the children? John was insistent upon the entertainment running long into the evening, and when I was finally released and allowed to go to my own chamber I, at last, was nearly asleep upon my own toes.

But Jocelyn disrupted my progress. “May I have a word, Lady?”

“Aye,” I sighed. “Come to the women’s apartments with me, we shall be in secret and quietude there.”

Up a steep stone staircase and in the silent warmth of the room she entered, her earlier bawdiness seeming all the more a cover for her natural emotions. She watched me set the fire and sat in the corner, her hands cross-palmed over her bodice. “You are close to Tillie?” she asked.

“Aye,” I said guardedly. 

“But you are not as fond of her as you are of your cousin,” she said, as if trying to grasp what sort of woman I was.

“We are close,” I said shortly. The color rose in Jocelyn’s features.

“You know that she is in childbed, and unwell. Your cousin has told me that once she is dead, we will be married.”

How uncouth –and how very like John to promise. “If she is dead by natural means then there is no reason for me to interfere,” I said. And at the same time knew perfectly well that John would never marry his by-blow and make her his common wife. 

“Do you think he is true to his word?”

“I think…” I said very carefully, “that he does not wish to put you aside.” I left it open to interpretation, my true meaning. 

I watched her carefully, seeing the starch disappear from her stance. Her bosom heaved its relief, and then she leaned back against the door. “Since you have been truthful with me, I shall be truthful with you in return. John’s questions come from a place of honesty - he wishes to set you to a more advantageous match,” she admitted. “He does not think your union to the Promised One is legal, and he believes that it remains unconsummated.”

I stiffened. “Only by chance,” I said. “There is, however, ample evidence within me that we hath been unified in the flesh.” I did not wish to tell her that I had given myself to him before wedlock, that under my heart beat the heart of another. 

Maude shrugged. “You know how John believes a woman lives – he lacks the insight to see us as we are, as we have always been.” She played with a trinket locked around her throat – a chain with a circle of pearls and diamonds, a treat from her princely lover quite obviously. “He thinks that if you breed the Chosen One’s whelp all will be lost for him. The two of you together will birth a mighty child that should take over the world. If that happens he will lose all sense of power, and so he seeks to avoid it. He’s discussing marrying you to the Duke of Shale.”

I could only laugh. “Henry is a friend. A kind friend. He witnessed my marriage to Ash, as did the entire kingdom; you will not need to search far to find someone to attest to that fact.” 

“Look he will, and lie he might. You will need many an iron-willed ally to keep the peace, Sheila. Prepare for war, for he will come girded and prepared for battle…”

What else she wished to say would not be spoken, for then her scream pierced the air and she tumbled unbidden forward, landing face-first upon the floor.

I saw what held her, the white flash of an arm bone lying innocuously under the door frame. It held on as our shrieks roused the guards – guards whom I would never wait for. My sword was unsheathed in an instant, and the monster’s bones were hacked into shards under my firm stroke. I heard it shriek, the calls of the men, and Arthur ordering the door opened. 

“Are you all right?” he asked when our startled faces were revealed. Jocelyn shoved down her skirt and went about prying the fingers of the skeleton away from her flesh. The men let up a shout, and then another hand groped desperately for my own foot, bellowing about swallowing my soul. I crushed it with he heft of my sword, elated to feel the creature crumble into a powdery dust. 

Arthur stared wide-eyed at us, and Maude’s red face glowed like fire as she sat up, embarrassed beyond telling by the roughness with which she had been handled. 

“We are fine now,” I said, heaving a sigh of relief. Arthur muttered that I was lucky to be intact, resting a hand on my shoulder, and I had to agree with him – we had been far closer to death during the struggle with the Nameless One. The prospect of further danger held no great delight for me with a barin within me. 

I did not see John until he spake. “This place is cursed, Arthur.” 

“I know, cousin. But we will soldier on.”

“I shall send you priests. Sheila – tomorrow, speak with me on the solar. Come with me, Maudey. We shall heal your bruises.” 

Maude raised an eyebrow as she took John’s hand – I knew that there would be little need for a healer in their chamber this eve. I prayed the walls would be thick enough to block the sound from my ears.

“Are thou sure you are well?”

“I am fine,” I said, remaining quite calm as Arthur tried to guide me from the room. But I stayed firm and tall, all the way to my bedroom, all the way to the quiet warmth of it.

I could collapse and cry later, when Ash was returned to me.

 

 

**** 

 

Little brother had to be stuck in some dusty air vent. “If you’re screwing me over,” I said to the Roomba-robot-thing, “I’m gonna flush you down the nearest crapper.”

“Why would I lie? I don’t have any loyalty to that…thing,” it beeped at me. “My loyalty is to myself. You seemed safe enough – and he loathes you. So I decided to repay his unkindnesses and bring you both together.”

“Charming,” I said. The hallway narrowed and Hoshi put her hand on the middle of my back. 

“That’s a storage vent,” she said. “There can’t be anything up in there.”

She trailed off when she noticed that the vent itself was wrecked, the metal pinions bent open and the innards of the thing exposed. “Honey, you don’t know Deadites. They love narrow spaces and little corners. And making humans panic til they puke.” 

She kept staring at the vent. “You mean to say this thing’s small enough to fit into that space?”

I glanced, finally, up into ‘that space’. It was narrow at the head, with several crates sitting around at weird angles that I could almost see in the pitch black darkness. It’d be a hell of a place to hide, and knowing little brother he probably had his own rat’s nest somewhere in that very spot. “Hell yeah.”

“Are you sure you can fit?” she wondered. “You’re a bit broad-shouldered, you might get stuck.”

“…Right about here’ where I’d normally start flirting up a storm with any skirt who would compliment me like that. But sorry, babe – I’m a married man, so keep your hands to yourself. Not your eyes. I wouldn’t be that cruel.”

“…That wasn’t a compliment, creep.”

I boosted myself up a couple of inches, grabbing the edges of the vent box opening with my metal hand. “I know, it’s a little hard to keep your mind on the task at hand, but try not to get overwhelmed by my handsomeness. It’s led more women to their death than you can possibly imaginEEE!”

Yeah. This is the part where little brother grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me into the vent with his evil little bare hands. By the time I got my bearings about me I was face-to-face with his own dumb one. 

It took me a minute to realize what he’d done with his body. He sported thick wires looped around his waist like a weird umbilical cord, and he was wearing some kind of helmet. “Did you actually go all cyberpunk on me, little bro? Gotta say it’s a weird look on ya.”

“Just made some adjustments,” he said. “Have to keep up with the jonses in this weird little future you’ve got going on, after all.” He lunged for my throat, started squeezing. “How about you make this easy on us both and let me feast on your idiotic soul before I snack on your new friends?”

It was easy enough to land a punch on his ugly mug, and he went reeling backward. “Hey, I barely know them,” I said, which was perfectly true. “And you don’t have your hands on my soul – not by a long shot, buddy.”

“But aren’t I just another part of you?” he gave me one of those sick, creepy grins. I tried to shut him up with another couple of punches but he stood up and kept coming at me. “The handsome, stronger, smarter part of you?”

“More like the ass-ugly part.” I reached for the gun. He reached for the book he’d strapped to his side. Before he could open his mouth and start chanting I squeezed off a round. 

It missed him. In fact, it hit the wall. I heard Hoshi behind me yelling my name but I couldn’t quite turn around in time. But I heard it just as clear as day in the back of my head – the sound of metal scraping and breaking apart. Then felt it twist, and the weird pinging noise over my head meant something much more sinister. I saw the hull creak and split. Two seconds later little brother was sucked, screaming, out into space, the book still clutched in his hand. 

I felt a little thrill of victory – dumbass sat there and bragged so loud about being so bright. Then it lifted me off my feet and I figured out the old adage was true – in space they really can’t hear you scream.

And I did. I was a manly scream, but I did scream..

Hoshi, could hear me – she grabbed onto a pipe next to me as she flew through the air.

“She’s gonna blow!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

“Do something!” she demanded of me.

“What do you want me to do? Bend steel?” I said.

“Fix it! We don’t have any time.”

“Well, gimmie a damn welding torch then, lady!”

I felt the support beam under me creaking. I felt the fear in Hoshi, the way it was echoing back in me, big time. And then I did what any other man in my situation would do.

No, not exactly I guess. I started saying the damn words, as quick as I could as fast as I could. Bingo-bango – porthole time. 

I grabbed Hoshi by the wrist. “Follow me!” I said.

She did, because what choice did she have?

I let go and threw myself into the black void and let it spin me through its wash cycle. I knew by now that wherever it was taking me was going to be hell on earth, so I just closed my eyes, screamed, and hoped for the best.

 

*** 

 

Richard called me early to meet with him in the solar. I feared in truth what he might ask of me but knew in fact what he would wish. I tried to appear at my most sweet, feminine and biddable. I wore a dress and took my hair down and simpered and smiled and tried to please him most unctuously. 

“This isn’t working, Sheila,” he said. “You’re aware that I’ve called Henry to the castle. We will prepare a smaller, more private wedding for you two. It’s best to have the kingdoms united in blood as well as in matrimony.”

The very idea was an unnatural one. “I am lawfully wed, cuz. You cannot defy the bounds of the law!”

“Have you forgotten that I am the king?” he asked. “I am the law! I can create any marriage from clay or split it into shards and grind it into dust under my heel. I am a god in this kingdom! Whatever I deign fit to be done shall be done!”

His voice echoe’d round my head until I was forced to clutch it between my palms. I remembered the curse that had been lain upon the king so many years before by his furious nephew. _“Thou ask such a vile thing from me. It shall curse thee, curse they world and blacken thy seed!”_ I dared not suggest that he should be busy spilling within his wife instead of treating his latest doxy to an idyll. The ground was too infirm beneath our feet to make such a statement, and I had no taste for hanging.

A call from the forecourt made us both start. I knew then that Henry’s men had arrived, and that I would soon be pressed into dressing for the occasion. 

“This is not over,” I said quite calmly. It was better to muffle my anger than to give in to it – better to let him assume that I felt more biddable than it might seem. 

“You are mad,” he said flatly.

“We shall see,” I replied, and headed for the bailey. 

Henry was, as always, gracious and generous with us as he presided over his men’s comfort. I embraced him as a cousin and he was pleased to see me. 

“Happily wed, as I recall,” he said quite heavily to Richard. 

“That remains to be seen,” he replied once more. “One does require a groom and not a fairytale to make a happy kingdom.”

“Methinks the whole in Arthur’s turret speaks to the truth,” said Richard wryly.

Arthur, as always, felt the need to intercede when he heard his own name. “Come,” he said, slapping Henry on the back, “we shall to sup. The wenches hath made thy favorite roast fowl!”

“Aye, lad,” Henry said. “My sore bones crave the sweet succor of good food. Sir King, shall ye do us the honor of proceeding to the table in our company?” 

“Yes,” said Richard, his eyes darting from my cousin’s face to Henry’s. They proceeded to leave the bailey together, leaving me alone with my cousin.

 _He truly does not believe it,_ I mused to myself staring into my cousin’s unimpressed features. _He believes that they have made us mad here, the demons driven me out of my mind. Any sane man would have left us to die._

Pinpricks rose across the back of my neck. I realized quickly that Richard was not a sane man. 

Quite quickly I worked my way toward the safety of the bailey. Food must be choked down, plans made, lies suppressed. The king would likely order the marriage happen soon, and Henry dared not disobey with him and risk another war when we were so few.

The masques and dances were so few that chill night. When my cousin danced with me I had to falsify the most unnatural smile. It seemed I had learned well the response of the ladies of the court, had easily figured out how to lie to the men around me in pursuit of the safety of my own betterment. I retired early to the peace of my chambers. I needed time to consider my course of action, to commune with Mary and to plead for clemency from Mary. 

On the way to bed I stopped by my cousin’s chamber and heard a soft growling noise. How odd. I knew there were no curs about, the only canines in the house belonging to the kitchens. We were a land of kittens, of cats, smaller animals being easy to hide from should they be consumed by demons. Quite carefully I pressed my eye to the keyhole and saw a beastly sight. It was Maude, ripped to shreds, lying flat on her back in my cousin’s bed; and a black-furred monster licking her exposed rib bones, a wicked gleam in its eye.

To have seen what I have seen in my short time on this earth, to have believed what I believe and done what I have done gives me all of the credence I need. There is no need for me to disbelieve it. My cousin is a wolf in all ways, and I am not surprised that he is one in body. My brain desperately scrambled for information; I recalled that wolfsbane would keep away the ravages of a wolf’s hunger. There must be some in the country; there must be a way to save my soul, the souls of those around me. I stuffed my hand into my mouth, muffling my scream, rushing away from the door lest I be sick outside of it. With calmness I retreated to the safety of my room and began plotting my escape. 

*** 

The next day dawned early – with morning sickness. A quick bath later and I was outside once more, mounting my horse. The perimeters were quiet and only one Deadite was to be seen. Arthur and Henry gave me bade to search for peppermint to soothe my belly; if you tell a man you suffer from female complaints you will oft be left on your own to do as you wish, and pleading my belly allowed me the freedom of the breeze and the liberty of my sword.

The wolfsbane plentiful in the deepest reaches of the forest, where even the spirits do not dwell. I gathered peppermint, too, and stuffed it in my pouch. There would be plenty to distill, enough to ward off the evils visited upon me. 

And I returned to a crowded forcourt filled with guests. 

My Cousin waited with a new outfit made of gold, and an arm stretched out. I took it quite bitterly, quietly, glaring at him. Why could he not take me at my word? Why did he not believe me? 

My ladies helped me dress, as completely attuned to my misery as I tended to be to theirs. There was a sense of sympathetic sorrow, and they knew me as well as I knew myself. 

“We will find a way to free you, lady,” offered one. My nursemaid, Angrrhan, who had seen me as a small tot, told me that she’d do all in her power to make sure that I found justice and succor. But what small comfort could they provide? I was pregnant by my beloved, his Christian wife, and now I would be forced to marry his dearest friend simply on the whim of my cousin, the king, and the secret werewolf. 

Jesu. It’s a wonder I am not mad.

After the dressing Arthur arrived to walk me, and together we did stroll to the chapel with the crowd of our people following along behind. “If thou wishes it,” he says, “I shall send my swiftest and most fleet horses to rescue you. They shell spirit you off until the promised…”

“I am not a coward,” said I flatly. “I shall face down whatever the Lord giveth me with gentle humor. And let my steel settle it out once Ash returns.”

“You always were the bravest of us,” sighed Arthur. The worry in him seemed to perch deep within my heart. “And you have the most faith. But this is bigamy, dear. In another time you would have burned for such a transgression.”

“I would burn for far worse things, Arthur,” I said. We crossed the flagstone steps of the church and I felt every single eye turn to take me in. “Come. We shall do this in tandem.”

It was easy enough for him to agree to. I leaned into his shoulder and allowed him to lead me into the light, the gorgeous but spare interior of the cloister. He patted my shoulder as I rounded the corner to the dusty sound of Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring and pasted on a frozen smile; I supposed that it could not be worse than this. 

One day I’ll learn not to think such dangerous thoughts. Much could be worse; the child within me could be dead; I could know for sure that Ash was dead. I could be a creature like my king cousin. 

I could be dead within, such as they were.

My shoulders squared and my jaw firmed; I placed one foot before the other and kept walking, kept moving toward my destiny. I would be damned before I was one of them. I would be damned if I let this place or Henry or Arthur fall to his lecherous and greedy hands.

Even the priest held a sympathetic look in his eye as he quickly opened his Bible and began the homilie. I fidgeted in my reformed bridal togs. Beside me stood Henry, proud and true – he seemed quite aware of my malaise and gave me a brief squeeze to the shoulder as the priest droned about fidelity and true love and the application of the holy rood to the womb of my blessed fruit. 

Eventually I started counting the beats to the only portion of the ceremony which would involve me, the pledging of the troths, the vows Ash had recited to me so urgently and with such careless passion.

I felt Henry take my hand in his. He did not make comment of the fact that I still wore the heavy copper band that Ash had had created for our own ceremony.

The priest’s head lifted from the page and he turned his hawkish eyes upon the assembled. “If there is any reason why this man and this woman should not be joined in matrimony, please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I heard it then. The clownish howl of my man. 

Oh, I thought the madness of it all had finally reached me, but I need but look up to see him – and a shadow writ large, blocking out the sunlight pouring through the glass roof.

A heartbeat. Henry pushed me behind him for safety’s sake. 

I saw the ceiling dent before it crashed in on the hapless people of my village under a chunk of metal, scattering and crushing guests alike – one thick and hard as the vessel that brought Ash to this world – and upon it were my husband and his vile twin were fighting violently. I kept my lips sealed as I unshathed the dagger strapped to my thigh, and Arthur and Henry, too, rushed into the fray. 

It was, in a word, not easy to slay a beast made entirely of futuristic material with simple steel. Ash had kept his hand upon the beast’s throat, and he seemed not to notice where he was as my sword cut through wires and black ooze spilled over is fingertips. This struck the beginning of a fatal blow, and the creature wheeled back from our onslaught. 

We fell upon him, stabbing away at the metal husk until it gave the book up with a cough. Its bellows and curses toward my husband I heard not; I simply carried on and continued to stab away at the creature until its howls ceased.

And once they did, Ash threw an arm around my waist and swung me around. “Damn, I missed you,” he said. 

“Likewise, milord. I am afraid ye’ve returned to a mess…” I trailed off at a growling sound, coming from directly behind me. With one gesture, Ash whisked me behind him to the presumable safety of the space betwixt him and the wolf that was once again my cousin.

“Hey fido,” he said, pulling his boomstick free from its holster. “Wanna play fetch-the-led?” 

The animal snarled. “Ash, this is my cousin! Ye mayn’t…”

“I mayn’t what? It looks ready to bite my throat out!”

“Mayhaps so, though he is the king of England.”

“The king of England’s a werewolf?” Ash yelled, shoving me behind him.

“Ye say that as though thy own politicians are not bloodthirsty,” I sighed.

To my relief, the joke made the wolf snort-chuckle. And laugh. Laugh great gales until he suddenly sprouted hands, and ears, and feet. Soon my cousin rose, causing the people of the village to gasp in surprised horror at the amazing sight of my cousin become flesh once more.

“So,” said John once he returned to his proper form, “this is the famous Promised One.”

“Yeah, that’s my name – don’t wear it out,” Ash said, cocking his head to one side. “You been giving my old lady trouble?”

“Only in the name of the kingdom,” said John. “I was not entirely sure ye existed.”

“Well damn, what confused you? ‘Cause it wasn’t Santa Claus who left those holes in the side of Arthur’s castle!”

“Yes, well – that aside,” he straightened his doublet and stood up straight and then he said, “I see that you are a stalwart defender of the kingdom, and a great man as well.” He eyed the deposed body of my husband’s evil twin and added, “and a mighty warrior. So I suppose the match is struck and all is forgiven.”

“What of the woman ye supped on?” I muttered, but John only bore his teeth. 

“Kings have done worse to those who displeased them,” he admitted. “But to those of equal stature…” he trailed off and stared at me. Stared at Ash. “They simply bow to show their respect. And that is what shall close the matter, Sheila, dearest,” he said flatly. 

The debris stirred and we drew our swords, only to see a small woman with dark eyes staring up at us. Her words were far less eloquent than my husband’s.

“What the fuck just happened?”

*** 

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the greatest entrance in the world, but at least this time I didn’t manage to wreck my car on the way down (just don’t talk about the church to me. Or the fact that I took out a couple of people on my way down. Sorry, Sheila’s dusty old screwheaded friends. I’ll shed a coupla tears for you into my beer later on). 

After Sheila made sure her weird cousin wasn’t gonna try to be a dick weasel about us being married, she tried to make Hoshi feel better about being stuck in the stew with us until the old Wiseman figured out how to cook up a potion that would send her back – hopefully he wouldn’t cock it up like he did last time and she’d make it back to her own place without too much trouble. To say that I had zippo faith that it was going to go smoothly was putting it lightly.

First things first; after the Wiseman took the Nec back to his little cave to make some magical juju, I took care of the clean-up, and the removal of the king’s really dead assistant (shame – found out later he was only a couple of weeks from retirement). Someone got on the roof and started hammering away – and I took my lady up to our chamber to do the same.

After, with my hand cupped over Junior (the baby, not my Johnson), she rolled toward me and I let myself hang on for dear life. “Ye missed me,” she said, and I rolled my eyes. 

“Like air,” I said back. She squeezed my arm a little too hard. “All right, I was kinda worried I wouldn’t make it back. A little. Maybe.”

She smiled into the pillow. “I knew ye’d come. Hath faith in thee, after all. As I always do.”

“Yeah well. If we all had your faith we’d be living in one big nunnery.” It was maybe a weird thing to say but it was true. “I had hope, tho. And I knew you’d end up taking care of me with the man upstairs in the end. “Uh. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that crap with you cousin while I was gone,” I added.

She sat up and moved away, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “I know.” 

“That’s all you’ve gotta say?”

“Would you rather I add ‘dinner is likely served belowstair and thou ought to get thy lazy hide below to eat’?”

I grinned. “Baby, now you’re speaking my language!”

*** 

The great hall was crowded with people eagerly eating the chow Sheila’s kitchen people had made. It was a huge to-do, but instead of a wedding meal it was a welcome-home-Promised-One fest. 

Yeah, I could dig this kinda treatment. 

I got a turkey leg and a bunch of stuff that tasted like potatoes and carrots and ambled on over to the head of the table. Sheila was there, too, with a smaller plate and a smile. I was ready to settle down and eat when I noticed somebody was nearby – and they didn’t quite look the same as they had before.

Yep. Hoshi sat in clothing she probably got from one of Sheila’s maids in waiting, sipping wine beside Henry. “Babe,” I said to Sheila under my breath, “why the heck did you put her next to him?” 

“Insurance, as thou art so fond of saying,” she said to me. Thanks, babe; that was clear as mud. She led the dancing and made Henry spin Hoshi around until they were both pretty dizzy from the whole thing. 

I wondered if she wanted the kid to hang around. It’d be really weird for Hosi and even weirder for Sheila. It wasn’t as if they even spoke the same language. 

 

**** 

 

The next night The Wiseman pulled us both aside. He had enough potion for Hoshi's first trip, but not enough for a second try. If she messed up the drinking part she’d probably have to spend months here with us. Which would blow, but not as hard as trying to figure out how to use a chamber pot (note to self – invent indoor plumbing). 

Hoshi looked the bottle up and down with a little bit of concern. “I’ll hold on to it,” she said, taking the little bottle and sticking it in the pocket of her dress.

I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you have a life to be getting back to?”

“Oh, of course,” Hoshi said. “But there’s no harm in sticking around for a little while. Soaking up the local color and all that.”

“Through your pie, right?” She did smack me for that, and maybe I deserved it (maybe) but you’ve gotta admit it was a good question. 

“Through whatever I can lay my hands on. After all, you seem to be doing well for yourself here.” She tilted her chin up and grinned. “Let a lady figure out how the thing works for once.”

“Gotcha,” I saluted. And saw Sheila across the way watching us, grinning. She plotted this whole damn thing, didn’t she? Except for my whole said-the-words drunk mistake. Maybe she’s just a good guesser or something, thought I’d do that, wreck the day and make things a little awkward.

I was glad her cookies are amazing ‘cause she’s one hell of a handful.

 _My_ hell of a handful, thank you very much. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for 'Separation '](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584347) by [stormbrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormbrite/pseuds/stormbrite)




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